And so it is with my shiny new mobile broadband thingy. Brilliant in any number of stationary locations, it just can’t handle being on the move. Specifically, it disconnected itself more than 20 times on a recent 2 hour train journey from Manchester to London. Yet another example of me and technology not getting along. I can’t decide if my expectations are too high but perhaps a better solution would be for the train operators to install their own broadband and let them sort out the bridge and tunnel problem.

My mother’s house that is. Technological advancements beyond 1999 are seemingly not welcome or understood. Perhaps this is how the golden years begin, with the gentle closing of a door…

Anyway, myself and the boy are visiting and my mother’s internet connection has done me in. She’s on dial-up (people born in the 90s may want to look that up in an encyclopedia). I’d assumed they’d pulled the plug on those accounts ages ago but having tried to use it to book a flight and a train ticket I now know there’s money to be made still. It took me over an hour to find and book the best train journey and about half an hour to book the flight. After that, I spent ten minutes swearing and called up a friendly communications company and ordered mobile broadband which arrived today. Relief.

Setting it up all went wonderfully well, straight out of the box and all that malarkey. And while I’ve probably just committed myself for a year to something that will be faster and cheaper next week, it’s worth it to keep me sane.

It’s not that I automatically hate Microsoft - what would be the point and anyway they’ve created a lot of stuff that I use every day and probably a lot more besides that I take for granted. Given the choice though I’d rather never have to touch a non-Mac computer again (if only so I didn’t have to look so stupid asking people how to Apple Z on a PC).

I do wish that somebody (and why not Bill Gates?) would give Apple some competition before they get too complacent or self-congratulatory and money grubbing about their work - am I over sensitive or does the world really need so many different versions of the iPod? Whatever your thoughts, healthy competition is always a good thing so I watched Bill Gates’ interview with the BBC this morning with some hope.

The keyboard and mouse are history and touchscreen is here he said. Uhuh Bill, go ahead. Lookee here at this touchtable! The future will be touch-tastic! Well, yes… The problem with it is that it has all the glamour and excitement of a Newsnight election special. You know, the ones where Peter Snow waves his arms excitedly in front of a blue screen while entertaining, but ultimately always forgettable, techie stuff appears as if by magic. (The exception to this would be Jeremy Vine copying a hologram of Ming Campbell breakdancing to defeat, which may even be the image I conjure up on my deathbed decades from now.)

And that, I suppose, sums up where Microsoft get it wrong. With all of their money and fantastic brains to play with, you’d hope that their vision of the near future would be more uplifting, inspiring and memorable than a hologram of a former leader of the Liberal Democrats. Hey ho.

From our friends in Japan comes Donya - a denim skirt for people who want to have a more furtive relationship with their mouse. Really, I just made that up. I have no idea what the marketing blurb says, but there’s no need, I think you get the idea. Besides, no words I can think of would make this product in any way anything other than wrong, wrong, wrong.

Buy or browse for more oddities here

For the longest time the spam emails I’ve been getting have had all the imagination of a mosquito. Just now though I got one from Methuselah in Burkina Faso which made me smile so I’m sharing it.

Why do I like it? Well, it’s been a while since someone tried to sell me something other than an extension to private parts I am not in possession of. And the lure of gold is a temptation as ancient as the gods.

Which reminds me, Methuselah was the oldest man in the Bible you know. 969 years old apparently when he died. Guess he’s always been a fibber.

Paul Arden has a new book out - God Explained in a Taxi Ride - so I popped into our local book shop to buy a copy. First stop, New Releases. Nope. New Paperbacks then, a sub-section of New Releases. Surely it isn’t a hardback (New Paperback’s twin sub-section)…no not there either. Books for Christmas perhaps? Staff Picks? Non-fiction. Gotta be in non-fiction. Hmm. The nook that houses Advertising, Design and Photography - perhaps they put it in there? No. A last, desperate rush to the no man’s land between Language and Religion. Nothing. Right then. To the counter.

Excuse me, where do you keep the Paul Arden books?

The what?

Books by Paul Arden…y’know, the guy who wrote It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be? He has a new book out this week and I can’t find it.

Oh yeah. That book about taxi drivers. It’s upstairs in Books for Under a Tenner.

I hadn’t seen Books for Under a Tenner before. Full of funny-for-a-day gift ideas for those difficult family members, no doubt, but it made my heart sink. Almost the whole of the ground floor is categorised in this way. 3 for 2. Half Price Bestsellers (are they best sellers because they’re half price? Or are they overstocked best sellers from Oprah and Richard & Judy book lists of yesteryear?) It wasn’t there anyway. Who’d have thought a book about taxi drivers would be so popular? Perhaps I’m wrong and they’re right. Maybe people like to buy their books by the £ but it makes you think - where exactly do you file Paul Arden?